Missscarriage

Miscarriage happens more often than people think. Whether you were days, weeks, months, along; had 1 or more, this is not easy, not fair. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason, this just happens. This is one of those things I struggle with, like how does God let this happen? People love to say, everything happens for a reason. God has a plan... I've come to terms with my fate, no matter my qualms. Rejection was my protection- more to come on that.

experience:

The immediate joy, you experience, when you find out you're starting a family, is truly extraordinary. But you also have been asked to hold your breath until12 weeks, advised to wait to tell others, and purchase any items. But damnit thats hard. I couldn't help but be over the moon and share the joy with my inner circle. I started envisioning the life we were about to have. Scouring the internet for what I could and couldn't eat, names, and of course adorable items. I didn't realize the amount of work your body goes through right away. I napped everyday for a week before even knowing I was expecting. Finally, I did the test and saw the two lines. Instead of keeping my body still and safe; I pushed my body to clean, lifted heavy items, and bent over frequently, out of fear (turns out it didn't matter). About a week later, I started bleeding. You research, you read, you watch videos; bleeding can be normal. I waited a couple of days before going in. I woke my partner and let them know. Truthfully, I should've asked then, for support. I went it alone. My blood was tested, HCG levels looked good.. however, found out my blood type, is A negative. Bless the nurse who found me in the lobby to share the news, calm my nerves if only for a moment. Later, I was given a shot to prevent my blood from attacking baby's. The practitioner did her best to put on a brave face, but you could tell by her demeanor the odds were agaisnt us. Then I was uncomfortably assessed, where they found an internal bleed. That day bleeding subsided, I felt we were in the clear.. As research shows a normal pregnancy is still possible. Until the day it was time for additional blood work, bleeding progressed, levels had dropped significantly. Again, I should've asked for support. Instead, I pushed people, who actually reached out, away. The amount of blood lost, clots/tissue passed, pain endured, I was terrified. I should've sought medical attention. But I thought, people go through this all the time, I'm no different. The fourth of July will never be the same. The next day, I received a call, that based on recent HCG levels, I miscarried. I'm thankful to the nurse who offered her condolences, resources, and anger for the ask a nurse's insensitivities. Then life continued and kept my story tightly close to my chest. I dreamt often, of having the baby and then the baby dying; each dream dying in different ways. Every death, I blamed myself. When the end of February came it was tough, baby would be a little over a year now. My partner and I decided to continue to try for another; however, I should've known then, that this was the beginning of the end for us.

tips:

Everyone grieves and copes differently. Here is what helped for me and my loved ones in the past.

• Seek immediate medical attention, do not wait for symptoms to improve. It is best to be safe then sorry.

• Talk to someone you trust, that does not judge, and has the ability to listen.

• Block key words in each app you utilize. if seeing ads, videos, etc regarding babies is painful to view.

• Social media beak- you can be happy for others while feeling pain of your loss, when viewing. Overtime transmute that pain into an energy that heals your soul. I.e. passions, relationships, yourself, etc.

• If you're a negative blood type, getting the RhoGAM shot right when you find out you're pregnant.

Please remember you are never truly alone and there is always someone willing to listen.

Stay Wavvy,

Lindsey